It’s been two full days in the retreat. Before coming here, I had been so consumed with work, routine, and the coping mechanisms that I have used for years and years. I haven’t sat with myself without distractions for a very long time. And honestly, in spite of the green mountains and the spectacular sea view, it’s been two full days of hell. Listening to my own thoughts has not been fun. Here I am at the dining table, surrounded by nine other people who are supposedly like-minded. Why am I struggling so hard to fit in? I don’t understand.
I looked in the mirror, and that’s when it struck me. I’m not the person I thought I was. I’ve been the golden child all my life, got used to earning love through my achievements and my productivity. But these people outside don’t really care about that. It makes me wonder: who am I really, if I remove all the labels that I have given myself? And why am I craving attention from strangers? People I barely know? Why is it so important to feel a sense of belonging? And is it normal? Does everyone feel the same? I want to let go of that child who got used to praise at school and at home, but why is it so difficult? Tears started coming down my face uncontrollably. I realized it’s not me who wants so hard to fit in, it’s that child. I looked in the mirror. I saw her and smiled.
I wiped my face gently, went out of the washroom back to the dining table, where everyone was chattering. The buffet plates were still half full. I grabbed a piece of bread, some cheese and tomatoes. It felt like no one noticed my presence. I poured olive oil, added some salt and started eating. It was my first mindful moment of the day. I didn’t care what anyone was saying. For a moment, I was just that child enjoying the meal without worrying about anyone or anything. I was thinking only of how much I love olive oil.
In the yoga session, the instructor said, “add all the sounds that you can hear into your container of awareness”. Then she asked us to add the breath, then the body sensations. I followed, noticing everything else that was trying to jump into my container, monsters from the past, dark shadows from the future, comparisons, judgements, conclusions, and the analysis of that golden child epiphany that had just hit me.
Very consciously, I set an imaginary wall around my container of awareness, and let only the sound of birds, my own breath, and a slight tension in my jaw stay in. I leaned into Child’s pose, perfectly mindful, letting all that accumulated gold fall off.
-----Samar Abdel Jaber
11th October 2025
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